I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
