Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
