I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
