I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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