dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
