dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
