the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
