peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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