NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
