I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
