She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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