my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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