I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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