Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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