Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
