11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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