i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
