so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
