Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
