Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
