I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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