turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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