On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
