when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
