I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i love accidental penises.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
