I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
