I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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