ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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