you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
