Non-Jews are for practice
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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