Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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