My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
