My liver just broke up with me...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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