One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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