So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
