I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
no. you can't hotbox the world.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
