Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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