hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
