Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
