I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
