Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize