Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
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I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
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No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.