OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
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she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
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Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice