She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.