were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
