She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
