textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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