Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
