Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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