She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
