I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
