I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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