Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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