He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
