I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
