In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
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You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
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I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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