Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
