I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
