oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
