I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
