ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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