I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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