I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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