I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
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why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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